Another year...

I think I was in bed around 10 pm on New Year's Eve as is my tradition. A nice conversation with my mother at her house, a phone call from my sister freshly arrived in Italy, and then home, chips and dip, and bed.

New Year's Day, or as we Orthodox call it the Feast of St. Basil, was a day of rest and more food although I do very much enjoy the Liturgy of St. Basil and wish there was a way to serve it in LaCrosse.

Regardless these past few days have been a time of discovery about myself. What a real piece of work I've turned into!

Case in point. I've purchased a comfortable car that we can afford with space to haul and upright seating that allows me to travel without the bursistis in my hip acting up. The car is even nice looking. The ABS stops it straight and true and the traction control makes it nearly impossible to slip on ice unless you actually try. But all I can do is obsessively stare at the gas guage. No use my wife telling me its okay and the financial work out. Even more useless is having a Priest friend of mine explain how cars are tools for Priests and a certain amount of comfort and safety is a good idea even if its doesn't get Prius like numbers on the road. All I can do is stare at the gas guage and find the one questionable thing in the whole vehicle, and even that number 25-30 mpg is great for a small SUV.

I'm afraid I've lived so close to the bone, so tight, so much in fear that I have no way of accepting a blessing or enjoying a good thing without freaking out over some small detail. Thrift is a virtue but I've become so untrusting, so ungrateful, and so ascetic in the worst sense of the word that I'm beginning to become the worst kind of Scrooge, the one that thinks combining thrift, guilt, and morality is some kind of godly thing.

I always tell people every sin is a good thing twisted and yes its a good thing to live simply, and share your wealth but I feel like I'm turning into a joyless, compulsive, nag who can't take a blessing without beating myself up or trust for the future when its out of my control anyway.

Just pray for me.